Masochist
by Cassandra L. Johnson
Summary: A/U meeting of R/W. "No. Let her go Raven...she will have to find her own solace...as the rest of us will if we can not recover our most admirable foes."
1. Chapter 1

OK I have no real idea where this is going only that I've had it in my head for some time now. Bare with me.

To my lovely Beta, I want to give all the thanks in the world. Simply by reading, adding your own input and cleaning up my awful grammar you have made this story what it could have never been without your help. Thank you.

**Chapter One**

"Hey."

I can't believe that after what I did to him I am standing here in **his** bedroom. I can't help it though, not now. Not after I feel like I know him so well.

"The Professor said that you were," fumbling I shrug 'feeling better' just didn't seem like the right turn of phrase, "awake."

He just stares at me. No response. OK, poker-face. I can do that.

"I brought you a get well present."

Get well, that didn't seem right either after our 'accident' together the other night. Stepping further into the room I hold up the six-pack of beer. Molsons. It's Logan's favorite beer. It kept popping into my head all day in class, and truthfully I could have really gone for one myself, but this is about Logan, not me.

"How'd you manage that, you're what sixteen, kid."

I shrug setting the beers down on the night stand.

"Seventeen and...I have my resources."

Flopping down in the only chair I set a plastic convenient store bag down on the floor between my feet and fish out a pint of vanilla ice cream. What? I eat when I am nervous OK. Pealing the lid off I toss it into the bag and grab a plastic spoon.

"Beer and Ice Cream. Great, we can make floats."

At least he's got a sense of humor. I know that the Logan in my head isn't mad at me, it's weird. Really, really, **really** weird. I'd have thought the minuet he woke up he'd of hunted me down so he could take my head off but instead here **I** am volunteering.

"I had a craving." my brow quirks up, something from him since I never do that, a kind of 'you gotta problem with that, bub' expression. Everyone says that I've taken on some of Logan's lesser charming personality traits. I wouldn't know, I don't know him that well...except for the Logan in my head.

Even though the Logan in my head told me I did what I had to do, I feel like I need to make things right with the physical Logan. The tall, dark, dangerous, muscles on top of his muscles, drop dead gorgeous, physical Logan.

"I'm sorry." I say around a mouth full of vanilla.

Logan is staring at me, or at least sort of staring at me, he's examining the beer I brought him. I'm sure that it's his favorite, the inner Logan said so and when I picked it out of the cooler at the gas station the inner Logan was growling (or maybe he was purring, either way), he didn't have any complaints. I'm going to take his silence as a good thing but really I'd rather he were screaming at me, threatening to sink of one those nine inch steel claws through my brain if I ever come near him again. I dunno which would be better, silence or violence.

"You're sorry?" He asks me with a questioning look.

Oh no, here it comes. Finally. But now, I am really sure that I preferred the silent Logan better, the one that just stares at me and doesn't say anything. Just probes my sincerity with those intense hazel eyes and moves on.

"Yeah...I'm sorry. I- maybe I shouldn't have come." I'm nervous, frozen between sticking this out, having the full attention of his rage focused on me, or making a run for it. But really I can't say that I don't deserve it. "I didn't mean to hurt you...I-I just didn't know what else to do when you stabbed me..."

He winced, does that mean he's sorry too? What does he have to be sorry about? I'm the one that came into his room in the middle of that night trying to play hero.

"I heard you when you were dreaming the other night." There are butterflies in my stomach, why are there butterflies in my stomach? Oh right, I'm sitting in the bedroom of the man that less that seventy-two hours ago sunk three nine inch steel claws through my chest and I used my powers on him and nearly killed him. What was I thinking? "I heard you and I couldn't stand it...it sounded like you were being tortured and uh...yeah." I nod lamely. How much more pathetic could I possibly get right now? Hello, God? Yeah it's Marie could you open up the earth now so it can swallow me whole? Thanks.

"It's not you're fault." I suddenly look up when I hear him say that.

I can't believe it. I nearly kill him with my deadly skin and he's saying that it's not my fault? I know that the inner Logan said it was OK, but still this is just way to creepy. I'm getting off way to easy here. What the hell am I saying? He doesn't want to kill me I should be feeling lucky, thankful even, but I must be a masochistic or something, because I can't let him shoulder the blame for this.

"But, if I hadn't come in snooping around...I don't know you and you don't know me and well...I was just stupid. I'm still really sorry."

"Kid, listen. I stabbed you through the fucking chest for Christ sake, none of this is you're fault."

He's starting to look angry now. Maybe I should just drop this, but of course, I can't, because I'm the aforementioned masochist.

"But-."

"No, buts kid. Now drop it. Go to bed."

Frowning I know when I have been defeated so I get up, gathering my crap up and shuffle towards the door, head hung down, tail firmly tucked between legs.

"How'd you know?"

"Excuse me?" I turn around to look at him.

"Molsons, it's my favorite beer...how'd you know?"

"You told me."

He looks confused and I have to admit I've never had anyone inside of my head that actually survived and was around to talk to afterward. "The you in my head...when I touch someone I absorb their life force...with mutants I get their powers, their memories sometimes I even take on some of their personality traits...my inner you, told me that you like Molsons."

Now he just looks curious and...sad. He probably doesn't like the idea that I have his most inner personal memories locked away inside of my head. I can't blame him.

"Have you gotten any of..." his brows elevated ever so slightly as he looks at me and I get what he is asking without his having to finish the question.

"Yeah...and Jean's ovulating too." I laugh as I turn leaving his room.


	2. Chapter 2

I would like to thank everyone who reviewed and added Masochist to their favorite stories and story alerts. I really enjoyed reading every one of you're reviews and all I ask is that you keep on reviewing!

Again to my wonderful Beta, thank you so much for taking time out of you're busy life to clean up my grammar. You're the best sweetie. I love ya!

**Chapter Two**

Momma certainly was right when she claimed that I was 'Accident prone'. I'm in the mansion a whole two days before I almost kill someone.

I shake my head sadly as I take off my clothes and climb in my bed, **my** bed. A home – a real home with any degree of permanence since I ran away eight months ago makes me feel like a missing part of me was finally given back. Since then I've had to leave so much behind. Childhood. Innocence. Hope. I've even had to leave behind my own name.

Snuggling down I place my headphones onto my head and push the play button on my compact disc player. Sometime ago I burned off a whole CD of Chopin. It relaxes me and until touching Logan I never realized what a noisy world I live in. Maybe concentrating on one single noise will help to push out all the others and hopefully keep me from going on anymore midnight rescue missions. My last one didn't go over so well.

Things are getting better though, right? OK so after the events two nights ago I lost a little bit of the trust that I was building with my classmates but Xavier seems to understand and so do the others – The X-Men.

But things will get better sooner or later and the other students will learn that I'm not some evil maniacal mutant who enjoys hurting people. They just need some time. They just haven't gotten to know me yet that's all. I can wait. I still have hope.

Wait – **hope**?Is that what that is?

"I'll be damned." I giggled to myself starting to drift off to sleep as the soft, sad nocturne plays on. 

It's cold. That's the first thing that I notice, the cold. But then I open my eyes and know why, my clothes are gone and I am strapped down to some kind of metal slab. A table. A touch. Someone is touching me and when I look, I see that it's a woman. Her hair is tied back into a tight bun and she's wearing a white lab coat. Oh no, it's a lab.

A mutant testing lab. Just like the ones I heard about while I was on the road. But how did I get here?

"When it starts," the lab tech is speaking to me. She almost looks like there is some pity in her eyes, "try to think about what you're doing this for….ignore the rest. Maybe it will help."

"I've been through worse."

Wait, that isn't my voice. It's a man's. _Logan_. This can't be right, why am I dreaming this about Logan?

"No you haven't." I look up at the lab tech and smirk.

What is she talking about? What's about to happen? Oh – Oh God the table is moving, I can feel the vibrations beneath me as it's sinking lower. Water. Oh **fuck** it's cold, ice cold against my bare skin and it's sinking lower and lower. I almost forget how to breathe but then I am breathing, there's a tube down my throat. So they aren't planning on trying to drown me, that's a good sign. Isn't it? My eyes are wide open as the needles begin to sink into the pool coming closer and closer to me and then they stop. I can feel my heart racing, it's pounding against my chest so hard I'm afraid it's going to fly out. Oh shit they're vibrating now, the needles and their coming close – GAAAAH FUCK! It hurts, it hurts so goddamned bad that I'm screaming, writhing against the pain but I'm strapped down and I can't budge an inch. Why are they doing this to me? I want them to stop. I can't take it. I can't. It hurts so fucking bad but there is something else and it actually hurts worse than the needles, a memory of a face I don't know nor can I make it out clearly.

It's burning. I can feel it now like searing hot lava inside of my head, in my bones, all over my body. They're burning me and as if that isn't enough the water temperature has risen and the water is boiling but it's OK because, because it doesn't hurt me. I'm healing, old skin being replaced by new skin simultaneously. The pain is still there but it's starting to fade. I'm not sure if it's because I'm starting to pass out or because they've stopped.

Blackness. It's so dark. But it's nice here...better. There isn't any pain, any sadness or worry…. everything that means anything is just gone. Is this Heaven?

Voices, I'm hearing voices now but I can't clearly make out what they are saying.

"Erase his memory."

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Screaming I spring up in bed, the headphones being yanked off of my head with the force of my movements. My CD player clatters to the floor and lands with a loud crash and a cracking sound. It's broken, I know it before I can look. But I don't care.

Oh God it was so awful. They did that to him, but who? I – I can't remember what they looked like, who they were, it's all fading so fast, everything except for the pain and I flinch turning the light on. Looking at my skin, I expect to see his arms, his chest and torso, but I'm me again. Nothing but clean, creamy pale skin. Deadly skin.

I must have screamed, yes that's right I had to have for I can still feel it in my throat. Oh my throat, it's so sore that it actually hurts to swallow. Someone is running down the hall. I can hear feet pounding against the carpet in the hallway and then the door handle moves and I scramble quickly. They're coming for me. They found me. I can't let them take me away again! And then the doors are thrown open and I blink in fright as I stumble backwards. The back of my legs hit the bed and I fall flat on the mattress slipping on the sheets and my butt falls onto the floor landing on my compact disc player and that hurts. Why? Simply because something sharp is stabbing my left butt cheek.

For a second I don't know who is standing there and why but then my vision clears away all the terror and I see him. It's Logan.

His eyes are wild, the claws, oh god the claws are out and he rushes into my room searching. He's looking for an intruder. Throwing the curtain away from the window he looks out, his chest is heaving and then he turns around and looks at me. His eyes are calming down. Our enhanced sense telling us both that there is no intruder, the mansion is silent. Everyone is sleeping. No one else heard my scream, no one but him.

***SNIKT** *

And just like that the claws are gone, his breathing is slowing and everything starts coming back to life. The clock on the dresser starts ticking again and I can feel a sharp pain in my backside.

"Are you okay, kid?"

Dumbly I nod my reply as I slowly get my legs under me and stand up wincing.

"You're bleeding." I can tell in the sound of his voice that his sense are on high alert again.

Reaching behind me, turning at the waist I can see a little piece of the portable CD player. It's just a little shard of plastic that broke when it fell off the bed. It had landed in my leg when I too fell off the bed. Reaching back I pluck it out and rub my butt slightly before I realize that I am standing in front of him in nothing but a t-shirt and panties. I quickly sit down and pull the sheet over my legs.

"I'm OK." I finally speak feeling a hoarseness in my voice that wasn't there when I went to bed. "Could you hand me my gloves please?" I ask pointing towards the chest.

He picks them up looking at them for a second before carefully handing them over.

"What happened?"

Shaking my head I tug my gloves on quickly feeling miserable that this is the second time I've been in a bedroom with him terrified.

"I- nothing. It was a nightmare." I reply picking at the fingers of my gloves. I don't want to look at him. I can't. It's so sick of me to be thinking this right now but he really is gorgeous. This is the second time I've seen him with no shirt and it's not that easy **not** to look. Like Adonis, he's perfect in every proportion.

"Nightmare."

It's not a question, it's a statement and I glance up to look at his face and something in his eyes has darkened and has caused all the gold he has left in them to suddenly disappear. There's nothing left but a deep sad darkness in them now.

"I was in a lab...they put me under water." I mumble softly my eyes drifting back down from his face over his torso before I look into my lap again, my hands are now limp.

Shivering, I pull the covers up higher covering my shoulders, not only from the sweat that's turned cool but because no ones ever seen me bra-less well...really bra-less but I know maybe because of the Logan in my head (or maybe just because of his presence ), I know he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose.

"Underwater." he murmurs reaching up and running his hands through his already messy black hair. "Fuck." his eyes are clenched shut like he's afraid to open them and for such a big man he looked so helpless right now. His hands sliding over his face emphasized the broadness of his shoulders and the narrowing of his torso and hips. For a second it looks like a strong wind could just blow him away forever.

"I'm sorry."

God I feel so stupid because that's the only thing I can think of to say around him. I used to think that I was pretty smart, but around Logan, all I find myself doing is apologizing.

His hands drop away from his face and there is something so pitiful in his eyes it make me want to cry. They hurt him so badly, tortured him and that's what he was dreaming about the other night when I tried to wake him up. He was dreaming about the lab, about what they did to him.

"Oh God, I am so sorry." my eyes are getting blurry from the tears that are starting to pool up and I can't stop them, so I don't. I just let them go in a completely overwhelming surge of emotions. It's all there inside of my head; the pain, the helplessness…. I can't believe anyone could survive that but he has and he's standing right in front of me. "Those bastards." I spat the words out but it would be a miracle if he understood. After all, girl cry is often very hard to make coherent.

"They," I gasp trying to get control of all these emotions. "they did that to you." It sounds like an accusation when I say it and I don't mean it to sound that way but it's the only way I can think to say it. They did it to **him**.

Closing my eyes I let my head tilt back with the full ferocity of those tears and they fall so hard that I think I might choke and die if I don't get them all out. Suddenly, I hear the door close and I think he's left me to my own devices but then I feel the bed shift and I open by eyes and look at him sitting there on the side with his head in his hands. He looks – broken.

Gulping back my tears I reach forward letting my blankets fall from my shoulders and take his hand. He probably doesn't appreciate me coming into his personal space but I want him to know that he isn't alone.

"You didn't deserve what they did to you Logan, you're not an animal."

Logan's head snaps back to look at me and there, once again is that poker-face and I can tell already that he is testing my sincerity. He doesn't know if he should believe me and I can't tell what he's thinking. Just then (and I'm not sure if I am imagining it or not), he squeezes my hand.

"Logan," I pause looking down at his hand in mine, the contrast between sizes almost astonishes me, but I can't back out now so I ask. "When they come out...does it hurt?"

Pulling his hand away he examines his knuckles for a second before rubbing them.

"Every time."


	3. Chapter 3

Hello everyone! I'd like to thank everyone who has kept up with the story so far and for adding this bit-o-fiction to you're favorites and story subscriptions as well as sending in you're reviews. This next chapter will have a little comedic effort thanks to our lovely Jubilee.

I would also like to send a BIG THANK YOU out to my Beta reader for once again cleaning up my act for me. You the best girl and I love you so much! Seriously people and this is no exaggeration, this fiction would not be half as well put together as it is without her.

**Chapter Three**

A perfect sunny Saturday. The forecast called for rain, however, thanks to the resident weather witch, everyone was enjoying the pleasant May start to the weekend.

The mansion was alive with flourishing activity and even though I knew that I couldn't take part in the game of touch football going on out on the lawn that didn't mean I could enjoy watching, although listening was probably closer to the truth. Stretched out on a blanket I'd found myself a nice shady spot far away from the high contact sport under a large oak tree. Sitting here makes me miss my home. Drinking sweet ice tea on the porch with dad on warm evenings, playing dress up with my dolls when I was little under the big magnolia in the back yard. In retrospect I think that my life was pretty much a perfect fairy tale.

It really sucks though, you know? You're just going along getting ready for a kiss from you're Prince Charming and reality kicks in and sends you into a tail spin.

I think Mr. Summers just scored a touch down, or at least I think that's what they are whooping and hollering about over there. Lucky them. Sighing I close my book holding my place with my thumb and think. I don't mind being a mutant, I really don't. It's the mutation that I hate. Why couldn't I have gotten a different mutation, something, anything besides this. Something that's actually useful. I don't care about absorbing another persons powers if it means I'm going to hurt someone.

I will never be able to go on dates or kiss a boy, get married or have babies and I've always wanted a baby. Ever since I was a little girl I would treat my dolls like real babies and push them up and down the sidewalk in front of our house in a little kiddie toy stroller.

Logan just came out and I've been staring at him for a while now. I feel so rude and embarrassed to for not going over and saying something after staring at him for so long, but I need to keep a low profile here. There are already enough rumors going around about me...and Logan.

Yesterday I accidentally heard part of a conversation that I wasn't suppose to hear. I wasn't spying, I really wasn't but when I heard my name mentioned I couldn't help listening in.

"You know what I heard? They are totally sleeping together."

"Who?"

"Logan and that new girl, Rogue. That night when she stole his powers she went into his bedroom and just threw herself at him."

"What a slut. I mean she isn't even that pretty."

That's when I stopped listening and that's not even the worst of it. Even some of the teachers think it's true.

Thursday after my last class, gym. I forgot my water bottle so I turned back to get it but the danger room wasn't empty like I thought it was. Scott – Mr. Summers and Dr. Grey were in there talking.

"You don't think it's true do you, Scott? Taking advantage of a poor young girl like that."

"I wouldn't put it past him Jean."

"But-. She can't even touch, we've got proof of that."

"When it comes to sex and Logan? Where there is a will there is a way."

"I think someone should tell the Professor."

"Already did, but he doesn't seem to believer anything is going on. Xavier's too damned trusting sometimes. I think I'm going to have a word or two with Logan. Man to man."

Needless to say it ticked me off to no end. I mean, really? Scott is going to have a 'Man to man' talk with Logan to protect **my** virtue when we live in a house with one of the most gifted telepaths in the world. If Xavier doesn't think anything is going on, I'm going to put my bet on Xavier. Which brings me to this thought, crime is common but logic is **rare**.

Way to use the whole noggin there Oh Captain, My Captain.

Sighing lowly I was trying not to let my frustrations get the better of me when I noticed a scent. It was faintly familiar but I never would have been able to place it with the person that it belonged to. Honestly, I don't know how Logan does it. I might just ask him, but that would be the end of my laying low deal.

"Hiya, chica."

Glancing up and to my right a slender, asian girl stood before me and in almost every article of clothing there was something yellow. Her jacket, finger nails, shirt, even her converse all stars were yellow with black laces.

"Hi."

"I'm Jubilee. You're Rogue I know."

Jubilee was bright, not just in attire, but in personality as well and quickly made herself comfortable on my blanket next to me.

Crossing her legs at the ankle, Jubilee leaned her back against 'our' tree and smiled with big bright eyes like she was a kid who'd just won an all expenses paid ticket to Disney World.

"So," Jubilee said attempting an air of mystery, "I hear you're takin' a ride on the wild Bologna pony." she positively beamed.

"Huh?"

"Ya know! Loppin Logan." she made a outrageously ridiculous pony riding gesture. "Word around the water cooler is that Logan is currently shaggin' you're love muffin girl, so spill it. I want all the hot sweaty details."

For a solid minute I had no idea what to say, I couldn't get mad at Jubilee, she simply believed all the rumors and I will say if the rumors hadn't been about me, I would have found Jubilee very funny.

"Jubilee there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Logan. We're just friends."

"So...you and Wolvie aren't humping like rabbits in heat?"

Her expression looked a little crest fallen and yet there was still something in her eyes that told me that by telling Jubilee I wasn't sleeping with Logan was the quickest way to stop all of the gum flapping going on around here.

"No. Why does everyone keep saying things like that?"

"Well...when you're in Logan's room in the middle of the night it's usually not to ask if you can borrow his leather jacket. Unless you're me and in that case he will always say no and let me tell you he is a real grouch when you wake him up out of a dead sleep. So what really happened 'cause all rumors start somewhere."

Jubilee didn't need to remind me that trying to wake Logan was a bad idea.

"My room is just across the hall from his. I heard him yelling in his sleep or at least I assumed it was his sleep it was after one in the morning. I figured he was having a nightmare so I went in to try and wake him and well, I got a little to close 'cause he woke up screaming and the claws came out. When he stabbed me through the chest I didn't know what else to do so I touched him. If it wasn't for his healing I'd probably be dead."

Jubilee was in a stunned silence...for about three seconds.

"I knew it! I knew ole' Wolvie would never de-flower a student. I told Kitty he'd never do something like that. Hey! What do you mean you didn't know what else to do so you touched him?" Her eyes were suddenly alive with curiosity.

I couldn't believe that she didn't know about my skin.

"My mutation is in my skin. I can't have skin-to-skin contact, with humans I take their life force and I absorb some of their powers. I absorbed Logan's healing power."

Her eyes were as big as saucers for a minuet or two. "W-O-W." she said emphasizing every syllable.

"So that's what the deal is with the gloves. I thought it was just a fashion statement. You know how I love yellow? So I wear a lot of yellow. I thought you were just an extreme Opera fan or something. So you really can't touch anyone?"

I nodded slowly. "Nope. Not even plants. I don't really get anything from them but they die all the same."

"Bummer."

Blinking I looked at Jubilee for a second before I started to laugh and not just any old laugh, I mean a real gut buster. It was so strange. She didn't flinch away from me or act like I have some kind of contagious disease, just 'Bummer'.

"Well I'm glad you touched Logan and didn't die." Jubilee stated so matter of fact that it made me laugh a little more before calming back down again.

"Thanks, I am too."

"I'm gonna go and shut these weird-o's up about you being Logan's new hot young Lolita and I'll talk to you later chica! Don't be a stranger."

And just like that Jubilee was up onto her feet lopping away from me leaving me feeling much better about everything that was going on and giving me the sense that I had made a new friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello Everyone! Thank you all for so patiently waiting for the next installment of Masochist. I have to apologize if there are any grammatical errors in this chapter. My current beta has been extremely busy which doesn't allot her much time to proofread.

I am using a different Beta for this chapter, one whom is very near and dear to my heart but who is also sometimes as blind as I can be when it comes to proofreading. Let me know how you like this chapter.

**Chapter Four**

I'm a monster.

I've always known it, but up until last week I never thought I would become a danger to the kids here, but none of them had ever come into my bedroom late at night either.

I could have killed that girl, **killed** her. Maybe there are worse things you can do to the people around you than kill them. Her mutation has fucked me up, the kid can really pack a punch but that's not all, she took something from me, my nightmares. She has to live with those now. I wonder what would have been the worst living with the regret that I killed an innocent girl who on an errand of compassion was coming to wake **me** up from one of **my** nightmares or this; having her know what's happened to me. Living through it in her dreams now just like me night in and night out.

She's a sweet kid, she's been apologizing out of her ass like she's afraid that I am going to gut her again and finish the job. She doesn't need to worry about that.

I'm one fucked up sonovabitch but I'd never hurt her on purpose. There's something in her eyes, something so wholesome, so **good** that...ah fuck it. She could never see anything in me.

She could never **save** me, and if she tried it would only lead to her ruin.

I gotta get the hell out of here, away from her and the pure light that just radiates from her that's consuming me. And despite how much it pisses me off listening to all the rumors going around about me and her I – for some reason don't care to stop them. I want to possess her like she has taken **possession** over me. She's mine.

Since the night she came to my room I have been struggling with that to do about this. Should I leave, let the rumors die down and let her have at least some semblance of a normal life? Or do I stay and keep lurking around watching her when she thinks I'm not, breathing in her scent after she's left a room? I can't stand it either way. If I leave what if someone hurts her or worse, one of those pansy ass little bastards sweeps her off her feet and thinks of a way to get around her mutation.

I growl slowly. No. I can't leave, but I can't stand living in her light either. Maybe I'm one of those sickos that enjoys pain what are they called again...masochists, yeah that's it.

I laugh lowly in my throat as I step out onto the patio, Scooters got a game going on down there. I could join it and have some fun tackling him to the ground, giving him a could good knock to the head by 'accident' but she's out here too. She's found herself a place under the old oak tree, book in hand, alone. I could go over and talk to her, add a little more fuel to the fire for the gossip circle but that would only hurt her, not me. (I think I'm enjoying those rumors too damned much.)

No, think I'll just stand here, enjoying my cigar and watch her. She's so beautiful when the wind catches those dark curls lifting them around her porcelain face.

"You guys keep playing. I'll be back in a second..."

Mm, here comes Scooter, looks like he's on a mission too.

Placing my cigar in my teeth I tuck a hand into my jacket never taking my eyes off of **her** face.

"One-Eye." I said in cool regard.

"We need to talk, Logan."

"Then talk."

"I mean talk in private."

Grunting I remove the cigar from my lips and grind the burning ember out in the palm of my head before tucking it into my pocket for further enjoyment later.

"Fine."

Turning I follow the One Eyed Wonder into the mansion and into the empty kitchen.

"I'm going to tell you now and one time only Logan, keep you're dirty hands off that girl."

For a second I think he's seen through the facade but then I know better. Junior here ain't that clever.

"- Hell are you talking about Summers?"

"I'm talking about Rogue, you bastard. You leave that girl alone. She's been through enough with her parents kicking her out and spending eight months on the road going through God only knows what to get here to be raped by the likes of you're sorry ass."

Narrowing my eyes the claws are just itching to come out and I don't really know what's holding me back but I clinch my fists and shove them into my pockets.

"Maybe you need to clean that visor Scooter because I haven't laid a goddamned hand on that girl and if you had a fucking brain cells in you're head you'd know that. I may be a bastard but I'm no perv."

Yeah, now you're getting it asshole. Can't tell shit through that visor but I can smell it on him, he's just now realizing that he's barking up the wrong damned tree.

"Just stay away from her."

That's all he can say before walking away. I've kicked his ass before and I'll do it again if he thinks he can ride my ass like he does those little X-Dorks out there on the lawn, I'm not some sixteen year old kid that looks up to him like an idol.

Cracking my neck I straighten my jacket and walk out to the garage. My secret stash is calling my name and right now I need one just to keep from going back out after that dumb little shit and beating some sense into his head. Even if he's right it doesn't mean it gives him the right to tell me what I can and can't do. I'd never touch the girl, not unless she wanted me to and I know she damn sure doesn't want me to.

Opening the fridge with a force that would have pulled it clean to the ground had my hand not been hold it up at the same time I pull out a beer, twist the cap off and take a long pull when I hear foot steps outside the door, their too light to be Scott again, it's her. I can smell her.

"You know what they're saying about us?"


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you all who have hung in there with the story this far, and thank you to all the new readers who have added Masochist to their favorite stories and story alerts, as well as sending in all of their encouraging reviews. And last but not least, thank you to my Beta reader who for the last two chapters has steered us all through the storm of my grammatical errors.

**Chapter Five**

After Jubilee tripped merrily away to save both mine and Logan's reputation from complete ruin, I sat back watching her and running the conversation back in my head. It was incredibly comforting to know that someone - besides a telepath - believed I wasn't some major junior slut in the making and Logan a sick old man. Logan was no angel, since touching him and having his thoughts inside of my head I know that, but I also knew that even if I was touchable the idea of Logan and me in the throws of passion was nothing but pure fiction.

Oh of course I've had my girlish fantasies about the man, who wouldn't? He's a total sex god! But trying to bring those fantasies to life? No... so not happening... not in a million years, I can tell in the way he looks at me. I'm so far from his type that it isn't even funny.

Absently my eyes had somehow drifted back to Logan standing guard on the patio when Mr. Summers approached. Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck began to prickle and stand on end. Uh-oh. This must be the 'Man to man' talk, and I don't see this going very well either.

_Pansy ass little fucker._

That's my inner Logan speaking and as much as I like Mr. Summers I have to sort of agree with Logan. Why can't he just mind his own business? I can't even touch anyone without sending them into a coma for crying out loud.

Now they're walking away together. Yeah take you're idiocy somewhere more private so no one else can see that you don't have the sense God gave a piss ant. I don't know why I'm letting this get to me so much, it's no ones business whether or not there is anything going on between me and Logan. Not that I want everyone thinking I'm, 'Loppin' Logan'. Do I?

Well of course not! (I think.)

Getting up I fold up my blanket and grab my book, I need to go inside, I think all this sun is making me a little too judgmental. Mr. Summers is only looking out for my best interests which I can respect in a sweet sort of annoying way, so I guess I really shouldn't be so hard on him, even if he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Avoiding the game as best as I could I slipped into the mansion but was nearly knocked off my feet by Mr. Summers coming back out. Wow! He must really be upset, he didn't even apologize. I hope Logan set him straight and things can get back to normal around here (or at least as normal as a messed up version of the Playboy mansion full of teenage mutants without all the blondes and boobs) can be.

Hearing someone in the kitchen I shrug deciding not to stick my nose into it, I've have enough human contact for today thank you very much, but then I smell him. Logan. Since taking his powers I know that everyone has a natural scent, most of them smell the same to me but some stand out a little more than others but none so much as Logan's does. Maybe it's because I have him inside my head now. Maybe I would have noticed his smell anyway but I kind of doubt it.

Logan's scent smells different from everyone here. It could be because everyone's baser scents are all smothered down by artificial scents like shampoo, deodorant, and perfumes. Professor Xavier smells faintly of peppermint and kindness and Mr. Summers always smells like his cologne - a little too much cologne if you ask me. But Logan's scent is more natural like the wind and trees, musky with just a hint of his aftershave.

Logan smells..._good_.

_Go talk to him, kid._

Great now I have the Logan in my head pushing me towards the physical Logan. I really don't need this right now. Following his scent into the garage I set my blanket and books down on one of the benches and smirk slightly watching his finely shaped back side bend down into the refrigerator for a beer, Logan does have a nice butt. _Thanks, kid. You gotta pretty nice rack yourself. _I inwardly growl at the inner Logan, I don't need **him** feeding into anymore of my girlish fantasies. _Keep it to yourself would ya? _There, maybe now I can get some peace and quiet inside my own head.

"You know what they're saying about us?" I ask folding my arms over my chest, my rack as Logan so poetically put it. If the inner Logan likes my boobs does that mean the real Logan likes them too? Jesus what am I doing? I'm trying to make the rumors about us stop not keep them going, remember? Just calm down OK.

He doesn't pay much attention to me so I walk in and pull myself up a seat on one of the work tables, minding that I don't plant my ass on top of a screw driver. I'm still a little sore from that piece of my portable CD player that got jammed into my butt cheek. Frowning I take his beer away and take a long pull from the bottle. Yikes, where did that come from? I'm normally never this bold. Must be the inner Logan again, or at least I'm going to blame it on him for now.

"Think we're having some kind of sorted Humbert Humbert and Lolita affair or something." I muse handing the bottle back to him, to which he gives me a somewhat amused smirk – he's good at that.

"More like I'm fucking you blind." He notes leaning his hip against the table.

I almost crack when I look at him again, I can actually feel the blush in my cheeks now.

"Anyway I talked to Jubilee or more really she talked to me. She wanted to know if I was really lopping you're pony." God I can't believe I just **really** said.

I reach over taking the beer away from him again and this time I keep it, and take a sip before planting it between my legs and shrugging.

"I set the story straight though, she's off spreading the word now."

"Good." he grunts opening the fridge for another beer because he obviously isn't getting this one back.

"Yep." I say giving him a one of those one word reply's that he's so famous for.

Suddenly we both look around as the garage door slams open and there's Jubilee in all of her yellow clad glory.

"Good evening friends!" She says in sing-song fashion.

Swiftly and before I really knew what he was doing Logan pulled the beer from between my legs and stashed it behind his back before leaning more casually against the table.

"I thought I'd find you two love birds together." she teases sauntering in. "You'll be glad to know that now thanks to my wonderful talent of correcting gossip that the word is around the school that you two are totally **not** banging." She squealed with joy before launching herself at Logan in a bear hug.

Raising an amused brow I smile slightly looking at Jubilee all but nearly plastering herself to Logan's mid section. Oh if the school could only see this, we'd be having a threesome.

"Why are you hugging me?"

"Cause I just wanted to thank you for saving my best friends life."

"Well fuckin' quit it."

Jubilee not so gracefully unpeeled herself from Logan and stood back smiling. "Someone's in a bad mood, what's the matter Wolvie not getting any?"

I couldn't help rolling my eyes, this was now going to be her joke about us. At least now everyone knew that it was just that, a **joke**.

"How did you know we were in here anyways?" I ask tilting my head a little bit.

"Oh I followed you when you came in and was listening at the door. You two should really get a room together."

**SNIKT**.

Logan has released the claws on his right hand brandishing them at Jubilee to which she held up both hands palms up in surrender.

"I'm going, I'm going." she said backing towards the door again and slamming it shut.

Laughing I shook my head taking my beer back.

"Somehow I don't think anyone will ever accuse Jubilee of being subtle." I said taking a sip.

"I heard that." She yelled from behind the door before the sound of retreating footsteps told me she'd finally stopped eavesdropping.

After a moments pause, and I think we were both waiting for Jubilee to come creeping back up to the door again, Logan spoke.

"Got that right, darlin'."

Darlin'? Where did that come from? Maybe he calls everyone that, terms of endearment don't always mean something.

"You know she's right though, I never really did thank you. I mean, I know that I didn't give you much choice in the matter but still you did save my life and even though it might not be much of a life I'd still like to live it." I say looking at him.

For a second he looks embarrassed so I don't say anything else, just sit there quietly sipping my beer, which doesn't taste that bad but still tastes kind of gross at the same time, must be an acquired taste sort of thing. Idly I wander if I can taste Logan on it and I don't think I can. (Why am I even wondering that in the first place? Stop it!)

"So what kind of a name is Rogue anyway?"

"It's not."

No ones asked me that question before, I guess everyone just assumes that Rogue is my real name, it's not of course. I left my real name behind when I left home, sadly but not reluctantly, when I left I didn't want anything left to remind me of the shattered life and lives that I was leaving behind me, so I took up a new name. A name that would represent something about myself so I picked Rogue, because in a way that's what I am now.

"Marie."

"What?"

"My real name...it's Marie."


	6. Chapter 6

Together we have made it to chapter six of this little bit of fiction. Thank you everyone who have added Masochist to their favorites and alerts, as well as those of you who sent in your encouraging reviews. They have helped me more than you know, and thank you to my darling Beta for once again saving us all from saying "What the heck?" lol. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter Six**

Darkness, it's all I can see here.

It's so thick that it dominates every corner of my vision, the only thing I feel certain of is that I am alone here in this wonderful place where there's no pain, unlike my tank at the lab where my pain is only seen but never heard or felt.

Slowly my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and I can see coming into shape before my eyes various shades of green in a kaleidoscope of colors everywhere from evergreen to jade. It's so beautiful here that I never want to leave.

I move forward, and I feel dead leaves and twigs crackle under my bare feet, it tickles and I laugh. When I open my mouth I can hear my laughter echo and for a second it's a frightening thought.

What if I'm lost, someone has to be looking for me, and what if that someone is from the lab and they've come to take me back.

_Shh._

Whose there? I can't really hear anyone near me, it's almost like the voice came from my own head. Like there is some comforting presence here watching over me, protecting me from the dangers beyond it's boarders.

A pleasant sigh of contentment moves with the breeze, curling my hair around my shoulders and urging me forward, toward some destination that I know nothing about, but I can't even force myself to be afraid because I feel so safe here, like when I was a child wrapped in my mothers arms after a bad dream and I know that her arms will keep me safe and protected from all the bad things in the world. Closing my eyes I let myself be carried away, my feet moving, taking me to where I am needed. When I break through the trees I am met by one of the most serene sights that I have ever seen, a lake, not too big but big enough to remind me of when I used to go swimming in the lake not far from where I lived. Is that were I am now? It doesn't look like -.

"_There you are."_

A familiar voice interrupts my thoughts and I turn around to look at the man that has been haunting my dreams for the past month.

"_Logan?"_

He smiles a smile that I've only seen on rare occasion, it looks good on him, but he almost never uses that smile. The one that shows a row of beautiful straight teeth that are surprisingly white compared to how much he smokes and drinks.

"_Beautiful."_ he murmurs.

"_It really is ain't it?"_ I say smiling turning my eyes back to the lake, seeing the way the moon is reflected off of it's calm surface.

"_I was talking about you."_

Blushing I turn my head to look at him, but he's behind me now, his strong arms encircling my waist and for the first time I become aware of what I am wearing, a white satin dress, maybe a night gown or one of those spring or summer dresses that you see more sophisticated women than myself wearing. Logan's in white too, white cotton pants, loose and comfy.

His hand brushes mine and I jump pulling away from him as quickly as I can before the pull of my mutation can run it's coarse.

"_What's wrong baby?"_

"_Mah skin, are you hurt?"_

There's a sad look in his eyes for a second as he takes a step closer to me, taking my shaking hand in his and laying it against his chest, right over his heart, showing me that I'm not hurting him, I can't feel a life time of memories flooding my mind, seeing things through his eyes.

"_It's a lot to get used to, but you're not going to hurt me darlin'. It's alright."_

I'm not hurting him, my chest heaves with newly forming tears that cloud my vision as I turn my hand over the satin tickling hairs of his chest to his neck and over the more coarse hairs of his beard and laugh slightly. I don't know how it's possible, but right now I can't seem to make myself care because all I want in the world right now is to feel his arms around me again.

Swallowing away the tears I smile, as brightly as I can, and turn around snuggling myself into his embrace again and lay my head back against his chest staring up at the stars.

"_There's the north star...and over there, that's the big dipper."_ He points, his lips next to my ear, gently kissing down my neck

"_So I'll always know how to get home."_ I muse lightly.

After a second, he turns me around, the most intense look in his hazel eyes and in the moons rays I can detect the most subtle of golden flicks near his irises.

"_I'm always going to take care of you, Marie."_

"_Ya promise?"_

"_I vowed, from death do us part that I will love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health."_

Bringing my hand up to his lips, for the first time I can see a golden band around his finger, the same as the one around mine.

Gathering me into his arms, his lips are upon mine, and the contact between us begins to burn, scorching my insides and giving birth to butterflies in my stomach.

"_Ah love you."_

* * *

For a second I'm confused, I don't know where I am or where Logan is. I can so clearly remember feeling his arms wrapped securely around me and now they are gone, just gone and it's almost as if I can still feel them there, but they're only a ghost, a cruel joke of my subconscious.

I used to think that dreams were the best part of life because you could see what you wanted and then make you're plans to gain it, but this...it was far to harsh, to mean of a trick to play on myself. I can hardly catch my breathe the tears come so fast and I have to bury my face in my pillow to keep from waking the whole mansion.

None of it was real and it never would be and that was what hurt the most, I could deal with that. Logan doesn't have any romantic feelings towards me at all and I can live with that, but my skin, my stupid freaking skin has to ruin even the best of dreams. I begin to shake, my whole body ravaged by my sobs and I feel like if it hurt anymore I might fall apart and die, and I wish that I would or that it was even medically possible for that to happen.

It's not fair, it's just so not fair.

* * *

As soon as the first sob left her lips I heard it, bolting out of bed and out the door.

I made it into the hall when the faint scent of arousal hit my nostrils and clung thickly in the air around me. At first, I wanted to believe that it was coming from anyone of the other rooms down the hall, but I could never mistake Marie's scent for someone else.

Stepping up to the door, it was definitely coming from her bedroom, the scent of her tears mixed salty with the musk of her desire. Her sobs become muffled as if she were hiding her face in her pillow and I knew that there was only one person, no matter how egotistical it is of me, that could make her cry like that – me.

Every nightmare she had, it was my fault, and now, she had to sleep with a rapist. The things I've done I've never been proud of, the drinking, all the fighting and killing, the woman willing to go to bed with the last name standing – which was always me, and now **she** knew.

Now, I'd never once had to force a woman into bed with me, but the things I did could hardly be called love making. That was a side of myself that I never wanted Marie to see.

Ever since the night she came to my room I had fooled myself into believing that she would always look at me with compassion and trust in her eyes, but after tonight, after knowing what kind of monster I really am, there's no hope at all left to me.

A mournful groan fell from my lips, I guess in a way I always knew that eventually she would figure things out, Marie's a smart girl I just wanted to believe so goddamned badly that that side of myself had been off limits to her.

Like everything else in my wasted existence I have ruined her, she came so sweet and pure on a mission of mercy and there I was, fate as it were, and in once single touch I had fucked it all up.

Heaving myself up from the door, which I had come to rest against, I took a few steps away from the door. There was no way I could face her now, and she wouldn't want me to, why would she? I was nothing but a monster. Good for only one purpose.

I am the best at what I do, but what I do ain't very good.

* * *

I can't remember when I fell back to sleep, but when I woke up it was morning and everything from last night didn't seem so bad. Momma always said that things look better in the light of day, and I was pretty upset last night, I'm just glad that Logan didn't hear me. I would have been wholly to embarrassed to try and explain to him why I was crying over a good dream.

Problem was, the dream was just too good.

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I can't believe I made such a big deal about it. Sometimes dreams can come true, right? I mean what's to stop me from gaining control of my powers? Nothing that's what...and who knows maybe one day I can live a completely normal life. The dream was just an awakening to that, it hurt but sometimes don't we need to hurt as human beings so that we can have compassion for others who are going through similar things?

Logan might not ever have romantic feelings towards me and that's not a problem, I'd rather have him as my best friend than not in my life at all and it would be nice to be able to give him a hug without worrying about whether or not I am completely covered up and safe to touch.

Down stairs life seem to continue onward just like it always did with no real notice to my petty little problems, not that I would have had it where everyone hung on me with pity.

There seemed to be a certain amount of tension between Mr. Summers and Dr. Grey though, come to think of it almost all the teachers seemed to be on edge around Mr. Summers this morning. He even snapped at Storm, and Ms. Monroe was one of the nicest people at the mansion.

By noon I knew I had to be out of the loop because almost everyone was avoiding conversation with Scott.

"What's with Scooter today?" I asked Jubilee using Logan's nickname for Scott during out basic training class.

"Logan stole Scott's motorcycle. Took off sometime in the middle of the night with it, no one knows were he went but Scott looks like he'll blast Logan straight into outer space when he see's him again."

"You mean he just left, he didn't even say anything to anyone?" I could hear my voice faltering even as I asked the question because I already knew the answer.

"You're still pretty new here Roguey Pooh, but I'll tell ya, this isn't out of the norm for Logan."

"It's normal Logan behavior." I said lifelessly, Jubilee never seemed to catch on to the fact that even thought I was fighting a loosing battle to stop myself from becoming too attached to Logan, I was still heart broken that Logan was gone and even more so that he didn't even tell me about it.

* * *

_**A/N:**_ OK, from the beginning I have been trying to seperate sections of the story with horizontal rulers on my writing program, but it hasn't worked. However, this chapter and following chapters will indeed have seperation rulers in them from now on. I had to edit on the site. Why I didn't think of this to begin with, I have no idea. Anyway, enjoy! And review, review, review!


	7. Chapter 7

I apologize for the wait concerning chapter seven. A long with busy day-to-day crap I have been suffering from a bit of writers block. Actually not so much writers block as writers constipation, I know it's there, I can feel it. But it just won't come out. How's that for mental imagery, eh? Hehe. Anyway, I've re-written this chapter several times and much to my chagrin my beta has forced me to allow you the readers to decide if it is pure crap.

And now, chapter seven.

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

**Eight Months Later**

The first three weeks of Logan's absence from my life became, in a way, my own personal brand of torture. I couldn't help feeling like I was alone, like he had abandoned me somehow even though he never made any promises to me and I knew that he normally never stayed in one place very long, I just felt like I had lost the one person who seemed to really understand me.

I kept going over in my mind all the conversations that we'd had together and if there was something that I said that drove him away, all of this was very egotistical of me, to think that I had that much effect on Logan was all ego talking, and I often reminded myself of this. Somehow though, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I did have something to do with Logan's leaving the mansion, it was a puzzle with pieces missing all over the place and I just wasn't smart enough to find them and put them into their proper places.

I coasted through the days in an endless haze of circulating thoughts that began and ended with Logan. What was he doing now? Where was he? Was he taking care of himself, because if there was one thing that I had become more and more highly aware of was that Logan had a great sense of self loathing. He didn't believe in anything that was done out of pure innocence. That there were out there people who were good and good because it was simply in their nature to be good. There were only bad people in this world and the most heart breaking part of it was, he counted himself as one of the worst ones. More than anything he blamed his nightmares and his memory loss on himself. It was his only explanation to the events of his mysterious past was that he deserved what he'd gotten, that he must have led one terrible existence and that he didn't deserve any better.

Everyone has their moment's of self loathing, even I am guilty of having a pity party once and a while, but with Logan it was never ending. He truly did believe that he deserved to be hurt because in whatever way it was God's way of punishing him for his sins of the past.

Eventually, I think it was by about the third month, the stitch in my chest that ached for Logan started to reside. It didn't go away but I was able to concentrate on things that didn't involve Logan, my brain must have decided that it couldn't go on like this anymore, but at night when I laid down and tried to go to sleep he would creep back into my mind. I wondered if maybe I wasn't just going crazy because I could carry on conversations with the Logan in my head for hours on end. If it were possible I think maybe my fondness for Logan grew in his absence and sometimes it was hard to believe I was only imagining things when I thought I could feel his presence lingering near me and I would wait to hear that oh so familiar greeting.

_Hey, kid._

Since the day I learned that Logan was gone, and it seemed with a great degree of permanence, I went to Professor Xavier for help with my mutation, so far I've been able to gain control for a few seconds at a time much to my delight and dismay. Ororo was nice enough to allow the Professor and I to use her serenity garden to practice in and sadly the first couple of times I killed quite a few of her precious plants but Ororo didn't seem to mind all that much, she has a natural green thumb. It's taken a lot of time and practice but in every session with the Professor I feel like I am a little stronger.

"_The mind is a very delicate and complex thing my dear, one can not simply attain mental peace in one day."_

_I'm just happy with the progress I've already made. It feels good knowing that I am capable of gaining control and I know it will take a lot of time and patience but it'll be worth it in the end. I'm also very grateful to you Professor for everything that you have done."_

"_It is all due to you, Rogue. You should be very proud of yourself, I really didn't do that much I merely pointed you in the right direction."_

Pride, that was something that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was like being lost for a year and finally finding yourself back on the right path again. In eight months everything was coming back together again. I graduated top of my class and pretty soon I would be taking starting the fall semester at the state college with a few other students, Jubilee being one of them.

Jubilee was ecstatic that we were going to be roomies in college together. She at times, spent hours spinning off wild tails about what two crazy college room mates would do out in the big world together. It felt nice to feel normal again.

Life goes on, and it really was to my great surprise, every day got a little easier, Scott finally gotten over the loss of his motorcycle, partly because Jean bought him a new one for Christmas. Well, OK, not a **brand** new motorcycle but some piece of scrap metal she found at a junk yard. Scott seems extremely excited to fix it up, he keeps mumbling about fan belts and lots of other mechanical nonsense that is all Greek to me and every other person at the mansion who doesn't know anything about motorcycle mechanics.

Men and their toys, ya gotta love'em.

* * *

"I'll have a beer."

Another night, another run down fight bar on the very fringes of being declared uninhabitable, I took a seat at the bar ordering a beer.

Along with the beer, the bartender slapped an envelope of my nights earnings down on the bar top. Tucking the bills into the pocket of my jacket, I don't bother counting it, I doubt they would try to cheat me, not after watching me in the cage.

It's been eight months and I still haven't worked her out of my system.

The last night I was outside her room seems to be on a continuous loop in my brain and no matter how many fights I get into, or how much beer I drink, somehow she still finds a way to slip back into my consciousness and surprise me with that smile.

Like that mystical, mysterious being that supposedly is always watching us, she is omnipresent. Around every corner she's standing in the dark waiting for me to come back, but that's just a figment of my imagination. The scent of her tears made it more the obvious that I was no longer needed in her life and that my lingering presence was only making it harder for her to move on.

She could never love me.

Love. I laugh bringing my beer to my lips, what do I know about love? Taking out a few bills I toss them down on the bar top and walk out of the bar to my truck. Summer's gone although you might never have noticed it's presence in the first place. Mostly two thirds of the time you'd freeze your balls off if you weren't prepared for the Great White North's rage.

Climbing into the cab of my truck, Scoots motorcycle took a nasty little spill on the road about four months ago, what's left of it is laying in a trailer, I did have intentions of bringing it back when I took it and it never fails to bring me a chuckle when I think about the look on his face the day I come back with his precious bike.

It was a nice bike.

Pulling my jacket off I throw it over into the passenger seat before starting the truck, rolling the sleeves of my flannel shirt up, my hand catching my attention, there's blood smeared on the knuckles and I know that it can't possibly be mine. Somehow I hadn't noticed it before. Licking my thumb I scrub the blood away, something she said coming back to me as clear as the moment that's she'd spoken the words.

"_When they come out...does it hurt?"_

Getting away from her was the best thing I could have done for her, so why is it I can't kick the feeling that she needs me right now?

I'm just fooling myself again of course, my imagination playing tricks on me, there isn't anything she needs least of all from me. Chuck will take care of her, I made sure of that before leaving, and if Chuck kept his word then everyone else thinks that I just disappeared in the middle of the night without a word to anyone.

It was pretty weird being in Chucks room in the middle of the night, but as soon as I started packing my bags he was inside my head, I could feel him there even before he spoke. Never really gave much thought to how difficult life must be like when you can't use your legs but Chuck does it every day which makes my bullshit seem less than important.

Before leaving I made sure that Marie would be well taken care of, whatever she needed, Chuck would come to me for it. It was the least that I could do for the kid. So now, every month I get a call from the Professor telling me that she's OK. I never **want** to know more than that, I tell myself that I am no longer a part of her life and that there is no reason to look forward to the monthly call from Chuck telling me that Rogue is doing well in her classes, that she is starting to master her abilities and feel a leap in my heart that says _she can touch_ or that she has graduated top of her class and she will be taking college classes soon.

I tell myself it's just because I still feel guilty for stabbing Marie through the chest, but the truth is, I'm in love with her and no matter how far I run I can't outrun the feeling that she **is **the one. The one that could make all the difference, but I'm just thinking crazy.

Her whole life is ahead of her and there is no way that she would want me to be a permanent part of that life, it's a nice fantasy, one that I spend to much time indulging myself in, and it's killing me.

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Rogue, and she defeated a mighty beast known only as The Wolverine.

* * *

"Oh c'mon Roguey! You've got to come home for the weekend!" Jubilee exalted.

"Jubes, I'll be home plenty of weekends. I just really need to study for this test, maybe I'll come by for a little while tomorrow afternoon and we can go to the movies or something."

As always clad in yellow Jubilee's shoulders slumped slightly sitting on her bed, in the dorm room that she and I shared during the school week.

"Alright," she said a devious smile creeping onto her lips and lighting up her eyes, "but, when you do come home tomorrow you have to promise that you will give Bobby a chance. I've been dying to set you two up since like...**forever** and you do would make such a cute couple. Deal?"

I wasn't exactly too pleased about the idea of having to go on a date with Bobby, or even the idea of giving him a chance, but Jubilee was right, it was time to start dating. It wasn't right that I spent almost all of my time studying and when I wasn't I was hanging out with Jubilee or pining for Logan to come back. It just wasn't healthy but as it was, I had already found the one man that I would measure all others up to and none of them seemed to come close at all. Logan wasn't here now, which was a sure sign that I wasn't as significant a part of his life as I had previously fantasized that I was. We were just friends and not even good friends at that considering that he didn't even tell me he was leaving or why, I really need to get over that and after a long sigh I finally relented.

"Fine, but I am not making any promises Jubes."

Jubilee bounced up and down on her bed for a second before calming down and making sure that her spiky hair hadn't been tussled to badly. She spent hours making it look like she had just rolled out of bed.

"You totally wont regret it Rogue, and yes I would like to be maid of honor at your wedding." she teased grabbing up her bag and giving me a quick squeeze of a hug before leaving and closing the door on her way out.

Turning back to the mountain of books that covered the entire surface of my desk I looked out the window, the almost blinding light that came through even on a sunny December afternoon, it had started snowing sometime around mid October, so we were all able to have an epic snow ball battle on Thanksgiving. Back home it rarely snowed, maybe once every two or three winters and even then it never seemed to last very long. Normally by the next day it was already melting, and New York snow was nothing like I had always fantasized. It wasn't light or fluffy but came down in great sheets so that when you went to bed at night you might wake up to find eight or nine inches on the ground, not counting the snow fall from the day before. It was great. Heaving a sigh I got up, walking around the little floor space in the dorm room, my leggings felt warm and toasty coupled with the wool knitted socks that Ororo had knitted me for my birthday, she even knitted me a sweater to match, which I wear almost all of the time now.

Grabbing a soda from the mini fridge I looked out of the window admiring all of the snow, the way it hung on tree branches weighing them down, the snow reminded me of Canada and that made me think about Logan. It was a foolish hope that he might come back for Christmas, I'd even bought him a present a new leather jacket, I didn't really know if he might need it but the old one looked so worn out that it was pitiful to look at. I imagined what he might say when he opened it, but it was getting harder to remember what his voice sounded like, even the Logan in my head had started to fade into a blur.

"Oh Logan...where **are** you?"

* * *

I missed her birthday, Chuck couldn't help sticking his nose in where it didn't belong. I was just beginning to feel like myself again and he has to go and bring up the fact that she's eighteen now. That if I came back now, well it might be different because she's of age.

I never cared about that before, OK I did care about it but not because I thought they'd throw my ass in prison if I touched her.

Gah it's not the fucking point! I left that place to get away from **her** not to be reminded of her every fucking waking minuet of the goddamned day!

It's freezing outside but after talking to Chuck I had to get out of that cabin for a little while, now I'm out here stomping around in the snow like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Since winter started I decided to come up farther north, fifteen years ago when I woke up almost in this exact location I built a cabin here and since then it has been the only place that I can come to where I don't feel like the walls are closing in on me. I guess those days are over.

Anger is better than pity I guess and by releasing the claws and taking down a few small trees seems to help relieve some of the tension but even that doesn't make the knot in my stomach disappear. I could go back now, I could be there before Christmas and I could be with her, with **my** Marie but it's useless.

She's so young and I – well I'm just not the type of man who settles down with pretty young girls and actually lives a normal life. Maybe by now Jubilee has convinced her to date that Popsicle kid, what was his name? Something like Billy or Benny something like that. He'd be a good match for Marie and she's a tough girl too, she'd never let some guy force her into doing something that she didn't want to do.

Growling, but even the thought of some other dirty little fucker touching her makes my skin crawl, I can't even stand the idea of her dating that pimple faced little ice pick and he's not even the worst of them. I know before I left Remy was making eyes at her, but Marie would never have anything to do with him. Would she? Gumbo was one smooth talking cajun-ass.

Fuming I went berserk swiping at trees, narrowly escaping being crushed by more than one tree before turning my claws on myself. Holding them up in front of my eyes, the blood of a thousand ghosts from years of battling seemed to mirror my reflection.

"_Your the one who left her there, unguarded, unprotected."_

"_I had too."_

"_Did you? Really?_

"_Yes goddamn it!"_

"_No, you were afraid...your not even worthy of the name Wolverine. You found your mate and you __**abandoned**__ her."_

He was right, I didn't deserve to be called the Wolverine and I didn't deserve her either. Feeling my shoulders tense I lifted my hands up the claws fulling extended towards my chest before plunging them through the cavity, a raw mournful scream ripping through my throat like the lonely howl of the wolf.

* * *

Strangling a yawn I pealed my eyes up slowly from my notes to look at the clock, my eyes widening slowly when I realized that it was past two in the morning. Stiffly rising from my chair I shuffled slowly towards my bed shivering as I pulled the covers up over my shoulders. Blinking slowly, I knew that I needed to go brush my teeth but I was just to tired to get up and go down to the communal bathroom. Reaching up I flicked the lamp off snuggling down into my covers.

My eyes closing before I could comfortably wrap my arm around the faithful teddy bear that had been with me through childhood into my teens and the manifestation of my powers. I was long gone.

* * *

Several hours later I woke up, the freezing cold making my bones stiff and hard to move, not to mention the inches of snow that had fallen upon my unconscious body. With a painful growl I slide the claws out of my chest, the cold slowing the blood but still droplets of crimson stained the snow as I managed to roll onto my side and slowly crawl up.

Growling, I only had myself to blame for this as I stomped up the steps to the cabin, the fire in the fire place having long since gone out so I had to throw more logs onto the fire and stoke it to a roaring blaze again. I don't know how long I was out there, but it was long enough for the cold to seep into my bones and adamantium skeleton or not I felt like an ice cold turd. Slouching out of my boots, even my socks were wet, stiff and soggy I trudged off to the shower, knowing that the hot water would help loosen the hold of the winter on my body.

Starting the shower, I took off my clothes, dropping the wet, bloody garments into the floor as I examined my reflection in the mirror. I knew it wouldn't kill me the places where the claws had been had already disappeared from my chest and all that remained was perfect, blood stained skin. In the months that I'd been here, I hadn't taken much care to my appearance and the odd points on my hair had flattened as my hair grew longer, hanging down around my chin and shoulders and a thick beard decorated my face.

* * *

While Marie slept, her brain exhausted from hours of studying and Logan showered, both of them completely unaware of the trouble that would soon change both of their lives forever.

Charles Xavier had always known that eventually they would pass the mutant registration law, and that night amongst a supreme court the law had been passed, but they weren't as interested in forcing mutants to register themselves for all the world but more correctly wiping out the entire race altogether and the institute, known to the general public as simply a school for the gifted was the first place the authorities went.


	8. Chapter 8

Cliff hangers, dont'cha just hate'em? Hah, not when your the one writing it! No Logan in this chapter. Sorry it took forever to for this finished and uploaded but a combination of things has been keeping me away. I hope your all still interested! Happy reading love muffins!

**Chapter Eight**

I awakened to the knowledge that I was cold, extremely cold. Shivering down into the covers more I had yet to open my eyes; silently hoping that maybe it was still to early to get out of bed. With the snow and the omnipresent glow that it exuded it was difficult to gauge what time it might be. Filled with indignation, I pried my eyelids open and peaked at the clock, ten.

"Damn."

It was incredibly childish but I clamped my eyes shut tight willing myself to forget what time it was and go back to sleep for at least another hour or so. It didn't work.

Pushing the covers back, I shivered more violently than before as I turned the heat up and plugged the electric heater into the electrical socket in the wall and sat down in front of it to get warmed up.

"Bet you Ah'll be staying at the mansion tonight." I chattered.

I'd taken up the peculiar habit of talking to myself when no one else was around, probably the cause of talking to my inner Logan so much. Pulling some clothes closer to me I waved them around in front of the heater to get them warmed up. Momma used to do this when I was a little kid, early in the winter mornings in Merridian. She would either throw the clothes I was going to wear to school that day into the dryer or lay them over a vent to warm up. Mornings were always exceptionally hard for me as a kid, but then I got older and somehow my brain developed a sort of schedule that wouldn't allow me to roll back over and go back to sleep once I woke up even on the weekends.

Crawling off the floor, I pulled my jeans on over my leggings and put another long sleeve shirt on under the sweater Ororo made for me.

Looking in the tiny compact mirror, there was sleep crust in my eyes but I didn't really care as I let my hair down, hoping that it might act as a shield to keep my ears warm and grabbed my overnight bag setting the thermostat to kick on and off while I was gone. Jubilee read somewhere that it was bad to sleep with the heat on to high so since then we had been turning the heat down every night before going to bed.

Once outside, the wind, as I knew it would, whipped my chestnut tresses up into a swirling vortex of chaos around my face causing me to spit little pieces of the ends out of my mouth as I hurried to my car in the parking lot. Unlocking the door I hurried into it, shivering even more considering that the temperature in the car was at least ten degrees colder than it was outside. Starting the engine I sat there rocking and shaking until the tormenting hard ache in my nipples slowly started to dissipate. At this rate my nipples wouldn't be normal again until spring.

Turning the heat up to three I pushed my hair back from my face, sniffling. It was already apparent that I was developing somewhat of a winter cold and I had high hopes that maybe Jean could just give me something to zap it out of me. Of all the advances in modern medicine you still had to just wait a cold out the old fashioned way. That seemed like a load of bull, but it was still true no matter how much I hated it. Watching the snow and ice melt away from the windshield and back window, I put the car into reverse and eased out of my parking space.

At the time, it didn't seem so weird that there were hardly no students out on campus or that I had no trouble getting through traffic. Maybe it was just to cold for everyone, and me, the idiot was out barreling through it in my little beat up car with the one doughnut on the left rear tire.

By the time I got to the mansion, old faithful was warm and toasty purring like a kitten. It almost seemed like a shame to shut the car off once I was sitting in front of the drive way. Slick as can be, I clambered out of the car ready to shout my own opinions on the weather and whatever other round Jubilee had going with Bobby and John, however all those happy thoughts seemed to skip right out of my mind as I noticed that the twin doors to the entrance were wide open, hours of snow having already been swept up by the wind into the door way.

"No, no, no!"

Before I was inside the door I already knew I wouldn't find any survivors, but I'd never even been tempted to imagine I wouldn't find any bodies either. Sweeping through each room, the evidence of an attack was as plain as the little red raw nose on my face. In the Professor's office the plait glass window behind his desk was shattered into a million pieces, only his wheel chair had been left behind.

Running into the commons there was destruction and chaos everywhere I looked. The big screen had what looked like part of a lamp sticking out of the screen, the couch was turned upside down, cushions scattered here and there. Oddly I noticed the strange _splat-splat-splat_ of shoes hitting water. There was a huge puddle right where I was standing and I had a good idea who it came from. "Oh _Bobby_." I couldn't help the heartbroken emotion that ceased my body just seeing that big pool of water around my feet. Immediately I thought of Jubilee and turned running up the stairs until I reached her bedroom, the door was halfway open, and I already knew that I wouldn't find her there but I still had to look. I had to see that she was gone. Tentatively I reached out and pushed the door open, my bare finger tips somehow in that moment memorizing the way the wood grains felt under them as I peaked into the room that two of my friends shared. Kitty wasn't in her bed, and as I turned my gaze slowly to Jubilee's side of the room a sickening pang hit my stomach at the sight that was there.

There was blood everywhere, on the sheets on the covers, there was a dried up mass of it on the floor. She'd been shot in her bed. In her home where she was supposed to be safe, where we were all supposed to be safe.

Standing there my lip began to tremble as I made my way over to my friends bed and slid down into the floor, the dried blood now becoming nothing but a blurred haze as the tears formed in my eyes and feel down my cheeks in mass quantity.

All I could think of was how this could happen?

* * *

Hours passed by before I realized that I'd crawled into Jubilee's bloody bed and somehow cried myself into an exhausted stupor which only pure uninterrupted sleep could cure.

It was nearly dark out, twilight time like that old song said, and I knew immediately that I needed to get as far away from this place as I could. I needed to distance myself. It was sheer stupidity that had trapped me here in my crying fit, however in comparison I hadn't known anything else to do. Now I needed to take action, maybe there was a chance and at the time I felt it was likely that there had to be some survivors they had the fight or flight instinct just as well as any other animal and they had chosen to run, to save themselves, all I needed to do now was to find them.

Getting up I moved through the cold halls until I reached the front doors again, my car door was open and for a second a spasm of fear shot up my spine, but then I remembered that in my haste to get inside I'd left it open. Sighing I shook my head at how addled my brain was.

I needed to pack my things and head north, Canada was my best shot.

"_Good thinkin', kid."_

The inner Logan seemed to be coming back in full force, perhaps I'd always have a little part of him inside me from now on, and for whatever reason every now and again in my life I would need that part of him to keep me going. Even if I never set eyes on him again, Logan _and_ the Wolverine would always play a major part in my life.

Driving back to campus the usual New York traffic was out once again and it occurred to me that this thing couldn't just be local. Flipping the radio on as I sat in traffic I tried not to draw attention to myself as I leaned over the steering wheel listening.

"Yeah, finally gonna get rid of those mutie freaks for good." two disc jockeys were talking over a local rock station, "cleared out a whole nest of'em up at some school late last night. Authorities are keeping certain unnamed individuals for questioning on the where abouts of more dangerous mutants." The two men seemed to be getting a big chuckle out of some private joke before AC/DC came on playing 'If You Want Blood'.

So, some of my friends were still alive, if the news could be trusted which I didn't think was possible, but in situations like these you have to at least hang onto any little shred of hope that you can claw at, so I tucked the information deep down inside my heart and decided I would keep it warm and toasty there.

Pulling up in front of my building, the normal flurry of life had resumed. Loud parties were blasting from all over the campus grounds and it seemed even the campus security had become a little lax in their victory against the mutants. Luckily, the Professor had done a good job and forging all of our college information, I wasn't known on the campus as Rogue or even my real name but a name that the Professor had made up for me. I was now Anne Marie, involved in a tragic fire when I was younger which I was terribly embarrassed about, the excuse for my excessive clothing and the use of gloves in every day ordinary tasks. The excuse had served me well since I'd been attending classes and no one seemed to be suspicious, but I couldn't count on them buying that story forever. Everything inside of my was telling me to get away from this place.

"Hey Anne."

I'd left the door of my room open while I packed my things, carefully laying Logan's jacket out on my bed, turning slowly, and a little more jumpy than was needed, one of my class mates was standing outside the door. Jeremy Southern was a tall, lanky boy with a head full of strawberry blonde hair that reached down to his elbows, however he normally kept it tied back in a pony tail. He'd tried to get friendly with me a couple of times before I told him the lie about my skin, he'd backed off since then. No guy wanted to date a girl with third degree burn scars covering forty percent of her body, ironically neither did anyone want to date a girl who could suck the life out of them in minus ten seconds either.

"Hey Jerry."

"Can you believe it? A whole school full of this freaks living just a couple miles from here." his expression showed nothing but pure disgust which made my stomach turn. I'd never actually heard him take any strong stance on anything aside from maybe the choice of having a beer bong at the average frat party.

"Yeah, unbelievable, huh?" Since Logan, I could now fake a pretty could Canadian accent, which I used all the time now at college. "My parent's are pretty freaked out about it, they want me to come home for a little while until all this dies down." I said shoving a hand full of socks into my duffel bag.

"Makes sense, hey where's that roommate of yours?" Jeremy seemed to be overly talkative, and he almost never paid Jubilee any attention, although she got a big kick out of playing whatever practical joke she could on the lame sophomore.

"Dunno, I haven't seen her since yesterday." Turning I put on a mock look of horror and let my large almond shaped eyes become wider than usual. "You don't think maybe she was one of them do you? Eww that's so gross and I was sharing a _room_ with her."

Glancing up from my packing I saw Jeremy shiver visibly like the last thing he would ever want was to be a roommate with a mutant.


	9. Chapter 9

Looks like I've got my mojo back! Yay!

Alright, a lot is taking place in this one chapter so I think I should explain one thing. Rogue is loosing it. Yeah. She's dropped her basket, there are far to many different personalities in her mind for her OWN personality to maintain control.

I hope you all enjoy reading this chapter as much as I loved writing it. Don't forget to send feedback so I know how you are all liking it, and of course thanks to my AWESOME Beta for keeping things under control.

**Chapter Nine**

**The Aftermath **

Dead man walking, the phrase suited me so well at this point; I went from bar fight to bar fight never looking further than my own nose. I'd wasted eight months being away from her, since then I've died a million small deaths and each time I've seen her face. What must it have been like on that night a month ago, was she sleeping soundly in her bed, her pale creamy skin glistening slightly from the moons rays coming in through the curtains, that impossibly thick, rich chestnut hair fanned out on her pillow.

Maybe, hopefully she slept one last good sleep, none of my own nightmares to tarnish her soul with fear and the darkness of the world.

I think about that night more than any other memory I have of her. I imagine her death over and over inside my head and let the pain wash over my miserably fucked up self until that's all there is left. Pain and emptiness. Everything in my soul screams for it to have been quick and painless, that she never knew what was really happening, but I know those bastards for to good for that. A pretty girl, so what if her mutation is in her skin, there are plenty of ways to get around that, I know I've **thought** of them.

A month later and I can still remember. I can remember it like it happened a minuet ago.

* * *

My pours opened, letting all that steam and scolding water spray down over me, waking my body up again from it's dormant state that had come over it in the snow. Parts of my body that were numb started to sting and tingle before I finally had enough and climbed out of the shower. The cabin was getting toasty again as I wrapped a towel around my waist and prepared to give me best apology to Chuck.

It wasn't his fault I was a low life sonovabitch who couldn't take on responsibility for anyone or anything. Chuck deserved better then what I'd given him and so did Marie, but right now I couldn't do anything about that.

I was in the living room when the vibrations from the kitchen drawer alerted me to a phone call. Of course I assumed that the Professor had left some telepathic link open in my mind and was calling before I had the chance, the old crow was always two steps ahead. Running my fingers through my hair quickly I marched into the kitchen prepared to halt Xavier in whatever lame ass excuse he'd made for me and apologize for myself rather then have the old man doing it for me. Chuck probably didn't realize it but that shit made me feel like a kid saying I was sorry for breaking a next door neighbors window or something, and having my father there pushing me into the apology the whole time. Yes, in many ways I thought of Chuck as a father. I wouldn't dare admit that shit to his face, for all we knew I could very well be **his** father or grandfather.

**FUCK** I'm not good at this shit.

As soon as I reached the drawer that I'd slammed the X-Phone into however, I knew there was something wrong. That wasn't the usual tone it emitted when there was an in-coming call. Something was wrong. Jerked the handle so hard I ripped the whole drawer out of it's casing and scattered random kitchen articles pins, note pads, the X-Phone, an empty box of rubbers, silverware and a whole string of fresh magnum sized condoms out onto the floor.

The display screen was flashing red as I scrambled on my hands and knees to grab the phone, my heart starting to pound inside it's protective cavity as fumbling fingers grasped the damned phone at last and brought it to my face. My unruly hair covering my eyes as I read the message.

Xavier told me a long time ago, when I had first came to the X-Men that if anything should ever happen while a member of the team, a student what-have-you, was away that we each carried a personal communication device on our person at all times, and that if the school should ever come under attack that we would each get fair warning. This was that warning.

Within twenty minuets I was dressed and slamming my bags into the my truck not giving it a chance to warm up, the old engine itself grinding, clanking, and ticking as I floored it down the icy snow packed logging road that lead up to the cabin. How I ever made it into New York with a speeding ticket or running off the road is probably a miracle from whatever divine being there is out there. Snow was starting to fall again as the sun went down and I got stuck in the traffic that was, as I had to admit to myself, inevitable.

Still fuming, I lit a cigar, the first one I'd had since God knows when and sat there waiting impatiently for the cars to move and doing more than my share of laying on the horn.

My body was numb at this point, not truly feeling anything as my worst fears seemed to build new nightmares in my minds eye of what I would find when I got to the mansion. I tried, damn did I try, to tell myself that it was probably a false alarm, maybe the Brotherhood had gotten bored and decided to pay the mansion a little visit and shake things up but even that thought didn't calm the turbulent of horrors that were ghosting through my mind.

If it was the Brotherhood, I'd find everyone of those little bastards and gut them if it wasn't them I'd gut them, and if it was... The thought was lost as the traffic ahead of the truck started to thin out and I was able to move forward taking the turn off that lead out of the city and towards the mansion. All I cared about was getting there and finding out that it was all some big mistake. Go up to her room and find her sitting in the middle of her bed, headphones on, listening to that classical music she loves so much and reading a book or playing that game...what was it called... FaceFarm? BookVille? ...whatever. I'd never wished harder, prayed more in my known existence until this point but now I was calling out to the forced that would listen to make my dream so.

Outside the gate I knew my hopes were doomed from the moment that my fear rattled brain had planted them. The seeds were sown and the harvest had withered as the normal flourish of lights that were normally blazing from within the dwelling were nothing but silent lonely ships lost at sea. The darkness of the place was palpable.

Stopping the truck, I didn't even bother pulling into the long circular drive way. My heart ceased to beat because I knew as soon as I saw those doors that there was nothing left there to see. Marie was gone, the X-Men ceased to be a reality anymore. Stepping out of the truck I heard the gravel crunching under my work books but didn't feel it. Sensed the freezing cold as the temperatures dropped and saw my breath become vapor before my face.

The lose of friends was nothing, it meant very little to a man like me. I never needed anyone before and somehow in a way I had come to **need** her. She'd ruined me. And now she was gone.

Marie, my light my savor...was no more.

* * *

In the past I had never been real big on pain, now it seems like it's the only thing that makes it real. I bleed just to know that I am still alive. Hurtful, _good_ pain.

Of course they'd be coming for me, I was their pride and joy. Whatever secrets my skin held they wanted and had I known it I would have willingly given it to them the moment I was taken. So many deaths all of them I was unable to stop there was too much going on. All the imagines tumbling around in my head and I didn't understand it. I couldn't turn it off anymore, the ounce of control I'd gained at the mansion was all shot to shit now compared to my past history. I could choose to hurt people if I wanted to back then, now I was left with no other option and even that they had taken away from me. Like de-clawing a cat...I've been left defenseless.

How I escaped I can't remember, all I do remember is the alarms going off and being alone in my cell before a mass of warmth was surrounding me. I was so tired from the drugs they'd given me that I couldn't even fight it as large hands seemed to support my weight like a child's play thing. But it was warm, so gloriously warm compared to my icy prison and the freezing cold of the place I am now.

Fur, I can remember that now, lots and lots of fur. Growling, mumbling from a heavy baritone voice. A German accent maybe? I was curling into what felt like one huge chest, hair tickling my cheeks. I'm not sure if it was fur or actual really long hair but it was differently something like that. It was too dark outside once I felt the bracing cold, all I really wanted to do was to curl back up against that warm chest and go to sleep...I felt safe for the first time in a month.

"We're in luck..." calming voice, the arms shifting me, like a proud parent re-adjusting a new born for excited spectators to have a look at the little bundle, cold on my face. "She's barely alive, get her into the chopper Sabb-."

Shouting, lots of shouting and guns going off. I felt a jar in whoever was carrying me and then a sickening growl followed by my feet being placed in the cold snow. Shaking me, sharp nails digging into the scant flesh of my arms. They were trying to wake me, trying to get me to listen but all I can remember is a flurry of wild snow and a mans deep voice telling me to run.

"Run for it little, kitten...just run."

The danger of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks and I was off, running tripping and falling before picking myself up and running some more. I don't know how long I ran but I could no longer feel my feet carrying me, which was maybe a good thing because somehow it blocked out all the pain and it kept me moving.

I want to wake up from this nightmare now, the only rational thought in my mind is that this **has **to be some kind of dream. None of this can really be real. The world isn't like this. I'm laughing, why am I laughing? I can't seem to stop it. Pinching my eyes shut I back myself up against the freezing wall and shiver against the cold and the thin clothes on my body. It feels like every bone in my body as been pulled out of joint and my feet feel like they are frozen to the pavement.

Shivering I shake my head, causing my long greasy hair to fall around my eyes. It's so cold I'm sure I'm turning blue. Groaning I stomp my feet against the ground causing the pain to shoot up my spin, everything is dancing, people keep laughing at me. Are they really there? Or...am I just imagining it. I don't like their faces, there all twisted and ugly and it makes me start laughing again before that laugh turns into a sob and then a full blow screaming cry for help. I can't loose it now, I need to get farther away from this place before they find me again because surely they will, I know that they will and the man inside my head keeps screaming at me to move, run get away from those horrible place but I can't move yet.

There are shackles on my wrists, one of them has a little green light on it. It's what they're using to shut off my mutation. It would be so much easier if they weren't linked together but they are and try as hard as I do they would come off. My wrists are bleeding now and crusted with dried blood. The sensation of my nails digging into the bruised and mangled skin somehow feels good, the blood is warm despite my being so cold and I dig my fingers in further screaming in delight.

_It's okay, your safe now...go with the man...he wont hurt you. He's not like the others he'll protect you and keep you safe while I'm here._

There are far to many persona's in this one mind and they all keep shifting some of them are good but some of them are bad too and the pain magnifies their presence. My skin is cold...but the bloods warm, its like fire running in my veins.

I like it.

Slowly the burgundy surrounding my wrist turns to crimson as I become aware that there are flash lights being aimed at me. Slow cautious foot steps of the men ahead of me. I've backed myself into a corner and there's no escaping them, but it doesn't really matter now. Take me...go ahead...

Let them come.

* * *

The jaw breaking shot brought me back to life. I was in the ring, just like any other night having my ass handed to me. Why I'm even trying is a mystery to me, there's no fight left on me and the Wolverine has retreated to a quiet corner in my mind, his presence is almost none existent.

I never thought there would come a day when I would allow myself to be beaten, but there is something in it that just feels right. Why should I put up a fight when my only reason for living now is gone. How did I ever do this before?

I don't even care if they figure out the mystery to the Wolverine.

It's all just bullshit anyway.

**RING RING, RING RING**

The cage masters calling an end to the match and I can feel the rough callused hands of two men pulling me out of the cage and dumping me into an empty seat next to my clothes. There's no telling how much money I've lost in the past three weeks. It all just seems to pointless.

New mutant labs are popping up every day now, the fact that they are living beings has begun to fade, we're nothing but animals to humans and frightening ones at that. Chuck always did say people feared what they didn't understand, but that it was a simple process of nature and that one day maybe years from now there wouldn't be another pure human left on the face of the planet. Mutation in human DNA was merely the next step in the evolutionary chain of events. Every since human in this bar held the DNA varieties to somehow change later on down the line, they simply chose to ignore it.

Picking up my clothes and boots, I moved slowly through the booing crowd towards the mens room to clean up and leave. Familiar faces are now a blur, women who once hung on me like flies to shit are too embarrassed that they ever met me to look at me from the corner of their eyes. Suits me just fine, I wouldn't have a one of them anyhow.

Looking into the scum covered film in the mirror my hairs grown longer, but I trimmed the beard a little but even that's growing back now.

_Everything changes._

Its a reality that I can't out run no matter where I go.

Running the tap I clean off my hands and face off before shrugging into my shirt, using the counter to lean on pulling my socks and shoes onto my feet. I can't wait to put this town in my rear view and as strange as it sounds it's helping. Every night the fights help me forget but then when I'm alone it all find it's way back to me.

I've been eating, sleeping when I can, and eating when I remember too, someone once told me that everything else was optional, that's a lie but even if I could forget...I wouldn't choose to.

Everyone has gone quiet out in the bar as I walk back out from the bathroom and the whole lot of them are crowded around the bar looking up at the TV. Another mutant being captured I assume and in that assumption I can't stand to watch a drowning man die, so I sling my jacket over my shoulder and leave.

"Earlier this evening an attack was launched upon a mutant testing lab by known mutant organization the Brotherhood, several lab subject escaped. Our camera's were on the scene when this dangerous mutant was located and subdued by the authorities."

The news teams helicopter was captured footage of the apprehension of the 'dangerous mutant'. The spot light shown down on a young woman, fighting three different men as she was finally neutralized by a fourth with a needle.

"As you can see, this mutant is mentally disturbed." the reporter announced as the camera's came in for a close up of the woman's wrists and arms where visible teeth marks could be seen where the young woman had obviously bitten herself.

"Thanks you our newly formed mutant specialists team we can all sleep soundly tonight, back to you Rick."

Slowly, in an eruption of conversation the crowd dispersed from around the bar, eagerly going back to their nights festivities.

* * *

"So, d'we get'em back metal head?"

Even in these circumstances Jubilee's attitude and personality had changed very little. She was one of the few people who had gotten out of the mansion. Sadly, others had not been so lucky.

Since the attacks Jubilee, Peter, Scott and a handful of others had found refuge with the Brotherhood. They hadn't joined forced by any means, most of the remaining team members of the X-Men where either assumed dead or M.I.A.

"Miss Lee, I have politely asked you numerous times to please not call me that." Erik responded from behind his desk, Mystique standing behind his chair, massaging his temples. Jubilee always thought there was some kind of kinky relationship going on between those two.

"Well...what happened man, c'mon you wont let any of the X-Men go out with you on these look-outs and no one came back in the helicopter with you." Jubilee complained, worried and anxious to know whether or not any of her friends had been found.

"We found the one called Rogue." A deep voice announced from behind Jubilee.

Sabbretooth slowly entered the room, nursing a bullet wound to his lower back which was healing at an exaggeratedly slow pace.

"ROGUE! Where is she?" Jubilee turned, startled somewhat by Victor's presence, much like she always was around the large man.

"She got away...the lab had far more reinforcements than we anticipated and...we had to let her go." Erik said waving away the blue woman behind him like an irritating fly.

"Let her go? Whatt'a ya mean lett'er go! You mean she's still out there? Why aren't you lookin' for her man?"

Jubilee's entire stance had gone rigid, her fireworks sparking around the tips of her fingers.

"Raven, would you please?" Erik motioned towards the television set, which the blue woman turned on and slowly turned the volume up.

On the screen, Jubilee would have known Rogue anywhere as she was drugged and man handled into the back of a large van. The news reports had caught it all on tap. "We would've gone after her but...we risked getting ourselves captured as well..." Victor growled from his corner of the room.

"Indeed we did, my friend." Erik said solemnly. "As it is...we still haven't been able to locate Charles' whereabouts either." he added, a sadder note slipping into his vocals.

"Ah if only cerebra hadn't been destroyed during the attack." Erik said with a shack of his head.

Her lip trembling, tears beginning to blur her vision Jubilee turned exiting the large rock formation of Eriks private quarters.

"Shall I go after her?" Mystique questioned, standing at the edge of the desk, the woman having taken a strange liking to the young girl who created 'fireworks'.

"No. Let her go Raven...she will have to find her own solace...as the rest of us will if we can not recover our most admirable foes."


End file.
